


Disconsolate

by Icelandic_Flutterby



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Flash Fic, Heavy Angst, Leaving Home
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-24
Updated: 2018-08-24
Packaged: 2019-07-01 21:59:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 929
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15782937
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Icelandic_Flutterby/pseuds/Icelandic_Flutterby
Summary: Sirius Black, cutting ties with his family and leaving home.





	Disconsolate

Sirius sat at his desk, doing his homework. Or he had been, anyway. He couldn’t quite quell the flow of tears. Most of his prior writing could not be called legible. Not with the tear stains and ink splotches and the general mess of crying on it.  
He couldn’t quell the tears, because he had realised his limits, he was at wits end, “is this how it will end?” he wondered. He was sure he knew the answer, but. But.  
He didn’t want to. He wanted to give a chance- he loved his mother. He loved his father, his brother, his grandparents, cousins, aunts and uncles – but.  
He would give them, he would give _her_ the choice, the ultimatum. Even though he was sure he knew the outcome, he had to, he couldn’t just.  
He loved them. That made all of this all the more difficult. He sniffled.  
“Don’t just make their choice for them, dummy,” Sirius muttered to himself. He wiped at his face, uselessly, as the tears continued to spill. “Stop crying, just. Don’t.” Sirius whimpered. “They haven’t decided yet, you can’t. Don’t make the choice for them-”  
He choked on a sob.  
The tears kept flowing.  
-  
He hadn’t yet talked to her, but. But, he was sure of her choice, he was sure of their choice. He had to prepare.  
He stopped doing his homework, choosing instead to curl up on his bed.  
He cried for an hour, sobbing into his pillow – muffling the sounds.  
-  
He stood up. Sniffling. The tears had stopped – for now.  
He looked around his room, disconsolate. This might be the last time he saw this room. He glanced at his ruined homework.  
He walked to his closet, rummaged for his luggage bags, and started to fill them all up.  
All the stuffy clothes, the pureblood clothes, the clothes naming him the scion, the heir Black, were left behind.  
He was quite proud of himself, he only had to take four breaks from packing. The tears were more manageable the rest of the time.  
When he was done packing, he looked around again, nodded, and checked the time.  
It was late.  
He left his room, making sure to close the door – no reason to alert anyone to his plans, not tonight.  
He walked to the master bedroom, knocking on the door.  
When granted entrance, he gracefully stepped in, and smiled at his parents. They were already seated in bed, dressed in their night clothes.  
“Mother, I have important matters to speak with you about.” Sirius said. “It can wait until morning, of course, but I’d like to have this discussion as soon as possible.” She nodded her consent, and Sirius and his parents bade each other a good night.  
His sleep was fit full and restless.  
-  
Walburga Black sat stony in front of her eldest child. An ultimatum? How dare he? Sirius could read in her face. Before she could say anything; he hurried to continue:  
“Ma. Mother, it’s really quite simple: Me or your poisonous views.”  
Her expression betrayed her anger.  
“Me or your pride, Mother.” He said softly, not whispering – for Walburga Black loathed whispering.  
“Before you say anything, before you answer.” Sirius could feel the tears leaking out, this had been a difficult conversation, and he was having trouble with – struggling to finish it, but he _must_ , he _had to_ say this bit.  
“If your choice is what I suspect it will be – know I love you, and that I don’t. I don’t want to have to do this. But you’ve left me no choice, I must give you this one last chance, this ultimatum: Me or your views, your pride. And. If. If it is as I suspect, if you choose wrong, I will miss you. I will miss you so much. But I won’t ever speak to you again – I will. I will walk past you on the street without blinking, I will not ever speak to or acknowledge you again. Because if you choose wrong? I will know. I will _know_.”  
He choked on a sob.  
“You will have changed too much – a fundamental part of you, gone.” He gasped out.  
Walburga Black sat stony, face pulled into a tight, displeased, grimace. She shook her head.  
“How dare you? I have raised and clothed-”  
“That’s enough, thanks.” Sirius interrupted her. “I know now. I knew before, but you’ve confirmed it. The woman who raised me, who loved me, is long dead – and before me sits a shrivelled husk. I will not miss _you_. But I will miss my Mother, my mam.” He took a shuddering breath and stood up.  
“I already packed my bags, so this is goodbye.” He turned around, tears staining his cheeks.  
In the hallway he passed his brother, who stared. He passed his father, who startled, and spoke,  
“Sirius?” But Sirius only shook his head, picked up his bags, and walked out the door. Before the door slammed shut, he could hear footsteps running, and for one, shiny, heart breaking moment – he hoped. He desperately hoped.  
And listened as his hopes were shattered, when Walburga Black shrieked incendio.  
He had loved them. He loved them still.  
“So this is how it ends,” Sirius whispered, for that was what Walburga Black hated. “With fire, and spite and anger.”  
I am no longer Sirius Black, heir to the ancient and noble family Black – I am Sirius Black, the runaway, the black sheep, the unloved. The lonely. The hated.  
“And _ohh_ , how I will make them _**loathe**_ me.” Sirius said, hateful glee filling his heart.


End file.
